I'm letting go.

Can you believe sign ups for next year start next week?? I feel like I just got back. SO desperately I want to go back next year (preferably on summer staff). But I just feel like so many things are happening all at once and I can't think clearly. Am I supposed to be there? Am I supposed to be in grad school? Am I supposed to be in ministry? Am I supposed to be anywhere?!


Lord help me because I can't do this on my own.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

Is it beautiful here?

I have a problem with writing something and then completely erasing it. I'm not really sure why I do that except for fear of letting people see what I'm really feeling. I'm comfortable hiding behind a happy smile, but lets face it.. it's not all smiles all the time.

today was kind of hard. I don't know if it was because I was alone all day or because I was just missing africa a lot or maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I was really wishing I was in the company of somebody who understood.

I was just really wishing my boys could be with me. There's one memory that keeps coming to me and more than anything in this world I wish I could live in that moment forever. It's pretty simple really. I'm walking around the community, both hands being fought over by my boys. And I just look down and they're all smiling at me, pulling me to their homes. Gracious asks, "Auntie Kailee, do you love Kabanana?" I told him yes I love it very much. And then he asked, "Auntie Kailee, do you think it's beautiful here?"

I looked around at the piles of "rubbish", the pot hole filled dirt roads, and the dirty rags people wore as clothes and could have easily said no. But instead my heart saw children filled with joy as they played and sang praises to the Lord. My heart saw mothers who were not only strong in spirit but also physically as they carried their babies on their backs. My heart saw kindness as rocks, buckets, or sacks were given to me so that I could sit and feel at home. My heart saw love as I watched the people interact with each other and with me. And then my heart felt love as my boys clung to me. Hugging me. Loving me.


So yes. It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

So I've tried writing this blog about 5 times now. This one probably wont be my wrap up blog either. I don't know why I don't have any words. I normally don't have any problem writing, but I've definitely had writers block ever since I got back.

Or maybe this trip was just too indescribable. Maybe there aren't words for what I experienced. Maybe I'll never be able to explain what happened to me all the way across the world. But something did happen. My world was flipped. I will never be the same. My heart was stolen and I'm not so sure that I want it back. I think it's needed too much over there.

But seriously, my heart is truly empty without my boys. So desperately I wish I could be with them right now. I can just picture them running up to me and consequently tackling me to the ground because lets face it, 15 to 1 aren't very good odds! But I'll take the bumps and bruises any day of the week to see their smiling faces.

I guess I've been a little down since I've gotten back because now my life feels empty. It doesn't make sense over here. My purpose just seemed so clear while I was in Africa and now I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I needed Africa to feel alive again. People were moving all around me and I just felt at a stand still.

Somebody at work asked me if I completed my mission. They were joking of course, but honestly my answer was no.

Our mission doesn't stop when we get back to the states. God never stops using us. He's given me a heart for the broken. And while yes, the kids in africa are broken, there are people here just as broken. My passion is to help people. God has anointed us to set the prisoners free. The sick are waiting. The homeless are waiting. The poor are waiting. The broken are waiting. So what are you waiting for?

I still don't know where my life is going, but I'm trying really hard to be ok with that. I still don't know if I'll be going back to Africa next year and that kills me. BUT I'm resting in the fact that God has it all figured out.

For now, I'm still praying that God gives me HIS heart for the lost. It's a heavy prayer, but I'm ok with that.

That's where my mission is now.

I left my heart in zambia.

I don't know what else to say except that my heart is anxious tonight. I've just been thinking about my boys and I miss them so much. I would give anything to be with them right now. I would give anything to know what they were doing. I would give anything to know that they are warm. I would give anything to know that they are safe. I would give up my whole world.

God, protect them when I can't.


and give me peace to be ok with that.