even when we are faithless, He is faithful.

So the Lord is teaching me a lot this week. Hard lessons. Lessons I wish I didn't have to learn, but none-the-less, I'm learning them.

I know I have a hard time expressing myself when I speak. I think it's because I'm not a fan of being in the spot light. I get really embarrassed and to be quite honest it terrifies me. It's much easier for me to get my thoughts out when I write.. that doesn't mean I'm any better at writing than I am speaking, but atleast I enjoy it more :)

I think sometimes I forget why I have joy in my life. When things are good and I'm happy, I forget that God is the one who brought that joy.

For example, if you know anything about me, you know I love being in Africa. I love my boys. I love the atmosphere. I love everything about it there. I feel so alive when I'm there. It's just the most incredible feeling in the entire world. I feel home.

This past summer, I faced a pretty big struggle. Ok if you count the old man who wanted to fight me, 2 big struggles ha. Anyways, I was nearing the end of my trip.. just a couple days left and gosh I was just loving life. Seriously I was just on a high. I think in that moment I forgot who brought me there. I forgot that these weren't my boys at all, that they're His and I just get to be the vessel FOR HIM.

So Thursday night, with one full day left of camp, God brought me to my knees. He needed my attention and I wasn't giving it to Him. That night, I got a kidney stone. Yes, a kidney stone in africa. I can't say that it was the most fun I ever had, but I will say it was one of the biggest blessings.

I would say I'm a pretty emotional person, but I don't cry for myself very often. I cry, don't get me wrong. I cry in movies, commercials, when I'm happy, when I see other people cry, but when it comes to my pain, I fight hard.

As I laid on that bed, I felt hopeless. I mean I was in Africa! I didn't have time for this. And then to top it off, there were no American doctors. I was going to have to go to an African doctor and get an iv so that I could pass the stones. That was a pretty scary thought. Where was my control? I had none. I was in pain, in Africa, had no medication and no control. I wept.

and the Lord heard me.

Turns out a girl in my villa had pain killers with her because she just had some dental work done and she brought them just in case she needed them. She didn't use one. I mean if that isn't the Lord planning ahead for me then I don't know what is. So because of that I was able to stay in the villa and be a little bit more relaxed. I drank water every chance I could and tossed and turned all night just praying to God. I was broken. There was nothing that I could do in this situation. I literally had to rely on Him with every ounce of me.

The next morning I passed the stone. Blows your mind, right? Background info on kidney stones.. it usually takes weeks sometimes even a month before you pass a stone. I passed the stone in less than 24 hours by His grace alone. In that moment, He said, "Look My daughter. Look at my power. Look at my mercy. Look what I have done for you. Look how much I love you."

So he took away my kidney stones. Miracle one. Don't worry my friends, He wasn't done showing me His glory just yet. It was the last day of camp. Fun day. Play day. Gift day. The best day ever. And I felt like death (I'm pretty sure I looked like death too). How was I going to love on these kids on the most fun day ever?? I had nothing left. I was empty. God help me! My boys were running toward me and I was ready to crumble. But as I gave each hug, there He was. Energy. Energy. Energy. By the time all my boys were with me, I was filled up! God is so faithful. He whispered, "I will fill you up, beloved. Come to me. I am your joy. I am your strength!"

Psalm 73:21-28
"When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."


I know this is a forever long post, but I say all of this to say, sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it takes unexpected turns for us. But God plans ahead. They aren't unexpected turns for Him. God knows the struggles that we're going to go through. He's ready to fight for us.

Earlier, I said that I don't cry for myself very often. I fight. For some reason I have this idea in my head that I have to be strong. But friends, good news! We don't have to fight alone. We don't have to have everything together. In fact, we don't have everything together. It's ok to not be ok sometimes because I think when we admit that, we admit that we can't do this on our own. But it's not ok to stay there. We need to cling to our sweet Father. We need to give it all up to Him. He's ready to fight for us. He's ready to fight for you.

Let Him fight for you.