I'm letting go.

Can you believe sign ups for next year start next week?? I feel like I just got back. SO desperately I want to go back next year (preferably on summer staff). But I just feel like so many things are happening all at once and I can't think clearly. Am I supposed to be there? Am I supposed to be in grad school? Am I supposed to be in ministry? Am I supposed to be anywhere?!


Lord help me because I can't do this on my own.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

Is it beautiful here?

I have a problem with writing something and then completely erasing it. I'm not really sure why I do that except for fear of letting people see what I'm really feeling. I'm comfortable hiding behind a happy smile, but lets face it.. it's not all smiles all the time.

today was kind of hard. I don't know if it was because I was alone all day or because I was just missing africa a lot or maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I was really wishing I was in the company of somebody who understood.

I was just really wishing my boys could be with me. There's one memory that keeps coming to me and more than anything in this world I wish I could live in that moment forever. It's pretty simple really. I'm walking around the community, both hands being fought over by my boys. And I just look down and they're all smiling at me, pulling me to their homes. Gracious asks, "Auntie Kailee, do you love Kabanana?" I told him yes I love it very much. And then he asked, "Auntie Kailee, do you think it's beautiful here?"

I looked around at the piles of "rubbish", the pot hole filled dirt roads, and the dirty rags people wore as clothes and could have easily said no. But instead my heart saw children filled with joy as they played and sang praises to the Lord. My heart saw mothers who were not only strong in spirit but also physically as they carried their babies on their backs. My heart saw kindness as rocks, buckets, or sacks were given to me so that I could sit and feel at home. My heart saw love as I watched the people interact with each other and with me. And then my heart felt love as my boys clung to me. Hugging me. Loving me.


So yes. It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

So I've tried writing this blog about 5 times now. This one probably wont be my wrap up blog either. I don't know why I don't have any words. I normally don't have any problem writing, but I've definitely had writers block ever since I got back.

Or maybe this trip was just too indescribable. Maybe there aren't words for what I experienced. Maybe I'll never be able to explain what happened to me all the way across the world. But something did happen. My world was flipped. I will never be the same. My heart was stolen and I'm not so sure that I want it back. I think it's needed too much over there.

But seriously, my heart is truly empty without my boys. So desperately I wish I could be with them right now. I can just picture them running up to me and consequently tackling me to the ground because lets face it, 15 to 1 aren't very good odds! But I'll take the bumps and bruises any day of the week to see their smiling faces.

I guess I've been a little down since I've gotten back because now my life feels empty. It doesn't make sense over here. My purpose just seemed so clear while I was in Africa and now I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I needed Africa to feel alive again. People were moving all around me and I just felt at a stand still.

Somebody at work asked me if I completed my mission. They were joking of course, but honestly my answer was no.

Our mission doesn't stop when we get back to the states. God never stops using us. He's given me a heart for the broken. And while yes, the kids in africa are broken, there are people here just as broken. My passion is to help people. God has anointed us to set the prisoners free. The sick are waiting. The homeless are waiting. The poor are waiting. The broken are waiting. So what are you waiting for?

I still don't know where my life is going, but I'm trying really hard to be ok with that. I still don't know if I'll be going back to Africa next year and that kills me. BUT I'm resting in the fact that God has it all figured out.

For now, I'm still praying that God gives me HIS heart for the lost. It's a heavy prayer, but I'm ok with that.

That's where my mission is now.

I left my heart in zambia.

I don't know what else to say except that my heart is anxious tonight. I've just been thinking about my boys and I miss them so much. I would give anything to be with them right now. I would give anything to know what they were doing. I would give anything to know that they are warm. I would give anything to know that they are safe. I would give up my whole world.

God, protect them when I can't.


and give me peace to be ok with that.

chasing the bus

this has been one crazy week for me. let me just say though, the lord was with me the entire time.

so yesterday was shoe day again! this week was much smoother because I was group number 9! (which is by far the best number in the world) so i got in early, although it was a little disappointing because lots of the boys wanted different shoes than what they were given. overall though the ended up happy with the shoes they got. Then we went into the community called Flame Waterfall. ok i've never seen anything like this place. well actually it kind of resembled liberty hill a little because it was just land and farming and crops growing everywhere. but the houses these boys live in is ridiculous. they're literally made out of mud/clay and the roofs were just a bunch of straw tied together. it made my heart drop seeing the conditions they have to live in. No wonder all of them are sick from drinking contaminated water.

I actually got a bit harrassed in the village. we were trying to head back because we were already late and we went through this man's garden wrong and he started yelling at us. then he kept pointing at me saying muzungu this and muzungu that (i obviously only caught the fact that he was calling me a white person). so i have two partners, Moses and Karine. Moses completely left me and went and sat down because he wasn't feeling well and Karine is literally just being a translator. I mean this guy is going on and on about how white people come in saying they help but then they just leave and he started asking for money. Karine just translates everything. I was getting frustrated because she should have just said no i can't give any money nor do i have any! and then all of a sudden the man starts coming toward me making fist motions and Karine translates he wants to fight me. thanks karine i think i figured that one out. Luckily my partner from last week had come so he jumped in and we just walked away.

finally we make it to the bus.. and if i hadn't mentioned before.. my back had been hurting pretty much all day but it was a dull pain so i just kind of brushed it off thinking it was just from being in africa for three weeks now. by this point, i'm actually in a lot of pain but there wasn't anything i could do about it for another hour or so because we were driving around picking up other people. and moses was complaining for enough people so i didn't really want to be another burden. finally when we got back to the villa i just went and lay in my bed. after a while the pain was pretty bad on my left kidney. it was so bad that jodi had to run and go get help. I was given some pain killers and skipped dinner last night just trying to sleep. but apparently everybody at dinner (60+ people) were praying for me so that was really awesome when i was told that this morning. well it was a pretty restless sleep but i woke up feeling a little better. exhausted but better. There was no way i was skipping the last day of camp. although susan thought it would be a good idea to go to the clinic, i just couldn't imagine not being with my kids. so i get to camp and right when my boys see me they come running from all the way across the field! with each hug i gave, more and more energy came to me! It seriously was the power of God because there is no other reason that I would be in less pain much less awake at that point.

my boys are obviously pretty energetic so they want to play tag and futbol and all of these running games. I made it through tag but that was about all i could handle today. I did have to go run and get some advil from jodi because my back was starting to be in pain again. but then when i got to the big room and we're doing the songs and they're getting their bags it was gone!

One thing thats just really cool about the whole experience is how much YOU get out of it. On thursday when you go to their community, you leave the kids there and as you take off, they all are chasing the bus trying to say bye one last time. That's how much of an impact you have in their lives. that's how much they need you. After 4 days of knowing you, they can't stand to part with you. But as they leave camp on friday, it's me who was chasing the bus. That's how much of an impact they have on my life. thats how much I need them. After 4 days of knowing them, I can't stand to part with them.

I got to see Kelvin one last time today. He has actually been sick all week so i haven't seen him much lately, but he came by camp to say bye. He wrote me a letter that was so precious. He said how hard it was for him seeing me here and not getting to be my partner which was cool in a way because it's good to know that the feeling was mutual. i miss him already!

anyways i'm back at the villa now just thinking about leaving in 8 hours. I can say with complete honesty that i'm not ready to go. Yes american food would be soooooo incredibly amazing right now. my mouth is literally watering just thinking of having a good burger. but I would give it all up to stay.

theme for next year: chimwewe. meaning joy. What a sweet blessing to get to teach these kids the joy God's love brings them. it's so perfect.

well i'm still not up to par physically so hopefully I get a little sleep in before we head out in the morning.

bittersweet ending to an amazingly sweet journey.

zonana pa sunday family! (see you on sunday family!)

You're running out of time.

so I haven't updated in a while but thats because I haven't really felt great the past couple days. First my throat was hurting pretty bad that when i would cough it was seriously painful. So i took some emergen-c stuff that helped a lot. well then last night i just was so sick to my stomach. I have no idea why, but i literally went to bed at about 9:15 because i just didn't have the energy to do anything else. today was much better and while i'm still coughing a little, its not so bad.

Ok so i guess i'll start with monday ha since i haven't said anything all week. We get to camp monday and me and my partner are just waiting for the kids to arrive and to be assigned. but one by one all the groups get taken. finally it's just me and and megan waiting for kids. we start looking around and really don't see any kids. they bring the binder over with the rosters and they have our rosters from last week instead of this week which basically meant that they didn't assign us new groups. We're kind of freaking out because i'm just thinking that i wont get a group this week and they had already told one girl that she wouldnt get a group until the next day. finally somebody on staff runs over and is like we need counselors! we have 2 groups of kids!! so obviously me and megan's hands shoot up and say we need kids!! so it was definitely a God thing that i was given this group for whatever reason. oh and by the way they are boys again instead of girls!


**side note.. i only have about 10 min left on my internet card so this blog may end at a random time***

so the first day was hard because since i was the last group given i had no time to get to know them like the other groups. I felt a little defeated in that because I just wanted that connection like i had with my other boys. The next day my boys were still a little quiet but all of a sudden they just opened up and started playing and having fun which was a huge blessing.

today i had the best conversation with one of my partners! His name is Moses and he is 24. He seriously is the most amazing guy ever. it's too long of a convo to say now because I now have about 4 minutes. I will update on that later.


i guess the last thing i will say is my boys were asking me questions today and first they asked if i had babies at home. um no. then they asked if i was married. no. did i at least have a boyfriend? no. i was then told that i needed to hurry because my time is running out! ha thanks boys. So they said i really needed to have kids by december at the latest. since thats not going to be happening they were very sad for me haha

time is really running out though on this internet. i'll try to buy more tomorrow. know i am safe and really not ready to leave. only 2 more full days. :(

So much for sleeping in

well my weekend didn't start out the way I planned! I was woken up at 6:00am saturday morning to banging on our door. It took me a while to realize what it was and then all of a sudden our doorbell started going off (which by the way sounds like a million chirping birds) so I jumped out of bed and ran down the hallway and I could hear people talking outside. Well in my head I thought it was going to be the Utz's coming to say bye since they were leaving so i open the door half asleep saying Utz's! Turns out I was wrong and it was Susan coming to pick up one of the girls in our villa who was leaving that morning and she had overslept! So we help her gather her stuff together so she can catch the bus and go back to bed. I tend to have this problem that when I'm woken up, its very hard for me to fall back asleep so I layed awake in my bed for a little over an hour. Finally I fall back asleep, but around 9 our door randomly opens making a creeking noise so I wake up again. I'm obviously too lazy to get up and shut it so every time the wind would blow it would open and shut making a loud noise. After listening to that for a while I gave up and just decided to be awake.

Yesterday was good though. We went to the arcades to grab lunch and had the most delicious nutella pancake with chocolate ice cream. mmmmm! then we came back home and attempted to do laundry but couldn't find an available washer anywhere and before I knew it, it was already dinner. So we ate dinner and finally started laundry. While doing laundry we watched A Leage of Their Own and ate brownies and popcorn. It was nice and relaxing!

Today was great! We went to church this morning which was so incredibly amazing! I swear the states really need to adopt the Zambian way of church. Somebody said that there is a power in screaming and let me tell you, the zambians have found that power. The message was from Luke 4 and it fit perfectly with what me and one of the girls in my villa were talking about on the way to church. How awesome is our God!

It was pretty much freezing today so the market was kind of miserable, but I got lots of good stuff so I'm excited! After market we went to the Go Center to find out our new partners! I have a girl named Karine so I'm really excited! I'm a little nervous because I've never had girls before so its definitely going to be an experience. I just feel like I click better with guys so I'm really praying that I mesh with my girls this week!

only 5 full days left here. What a sad realization. It's going to be an intense week though. My throat is getting a little scratchy so pray that I'm not getting sick! pretty much everybody here has had some sort of illness or other so i've been pretty lucky so far although i've had a few days that I've been a little sick to my stomach but it passes quickly.

well friends, God commads us to go out and preach His word. So today, go. And when you go, don't get in the way of the miracle God has for you. I love you all and am praying for you from across the world!